Bits & pieces of my thoughts

A big part of adulting is facing difficult situations and making difficult decisions. Majority of the time you never really know if the decision you’ve made is right or not. Other times you know, yet it doesn’t make it any less difficult. Sometimes the choices don’t necessarily have to be grey. Sometimes it’s there in black and white but the steps might not be easy to take. Sometimes you actually know what to do but you wonder if the timing is right. But Allah knows and that is enough. As long as it is done for His sake, despite how challenging choosing Allah over everything may seem, there’s hope that there will be a reward in the future. That He sees the struggle. That even if the fruits aren’t enjoyed now, somehow you know that it will be one day. The sweetness of delayed gratification.

“How can I begin to express the weight of self-doubt and how it can trickle into our lives and create a home within us? How it has the possibility to alter our thought patterns and change our opinion of ourselves? Nobody really talks about the internal battle we all face, the difficulty in overcoming limiting beliefs and your own negative thought patterns, whilst at the same time maneuvering through life trying to make the right decision at every checkpoint.” Seen, that’s what I felt reading this.

A scholar once said that the natural state of the the dunya is to be tested with difficulty but if the ease comes, accept it. It doesn’t mean that one should always pray for hard tests or assume that if something is going well Allah doesn’t love us. This is because that in itself is a test too. Allah has given xyz to you, how grateful are you for that? How much do you remember to thank Him? How many times do you remember that it wasn’t by your doing?

“Our lives here are temporary. There are small windows of opportunity to do some good in the world for which Allah will judge whether we are deserving of Jannah.

That's all that this life is. All that it is.”

Al-Mulk 67:2

ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَ ٱلۡمَوۡتَ وَٱلۡحَيَوٰةَ لِيَبۡلُوَكُمۡ أَيُّكُمۡ أَحۡسَنُ عَمَلًاۚ وَهُوَ ٱلۡعَزِيزُ ٱلۡغَفُورُ

[He] who created death and life to test you [as to] which of you is best in deed -  and He is the Exalted in Might, the Forgiving.

“i.e. who amongst you do the good deeds in the most perfect manner, that means to do them (deeds) totally for Allah's sake and in accordance with the legal ways of Prophet Muhammad.

And He is the Almighty, the Oft-Forgiving. This means that He is the Almighty, the Most Great, the Most Powerful and the Most Honorable. However, along with this, He is Most Forgiving to whoever turns to Him in repentance and seeks His pardon after having disobeyed Him and opposed His commandment. Even though Allah is Almighty, He also forgives, shows mercy, pardons and excuses.”

Something I’ve deeply come to love is knowing that life comes in seasons and you have to take everything the way it’s been given to you by The Wisest. I read a beautiful article some Fridays ago where she explained the concept of seasons so beautifully subhanAllah.

There are seasons where you have to put in a lot of work, 9 out of 10 times you don’t know what it will result in but Allah ends up placing a level of calmness in your heart because you learn to accept that “ultimately all outcomes lie with Allah.”

“But the season of fruiting, great harvest, easier work and celebration will come In sha Allah- and that hope is such a beautiful gift.“

And sometimes you’d be confused like- “I’m calm despite the uncertainty? How?” Earlier this week my sis asked me what steps I planned to take towards making a particular decision and I realized I had no idea. But what actually shocked me was the fact that I was okay with not knowing. All that could come to my head at that point was “This part of my life is called learning how to sit in discomfort knowing Allah will eventually bring the comfort”. SubhanAllah, how freeing it feels to be okay with not knowing how your life will end up. He has made things work out for you in the past, and even for the things that didn’t work out, there were some that you ended up seeing the khair in by thanking Allah for not seeing it through. Why are we so forgetful? Just knowing that everything is being crafted by The One that loves you the most, way more than you can imagine should bring a level of calmness. The All-Knowing, The All-Seeing, The Subtle. Al-Lateef, this particular name. Isn’t it amazing how one thing could go “wrong” during the day that could put you off but you never really consider the fact that on the days everything went well it was because Allah was subtly making it work in your favour? So why is it so hard to think of difficulty that way? That it is still in your favour even when it doesn’t look that way. That He is more merciful than our mothers are, so how could He possibly want other than what’s best for us?

And then comes the imposter syndrome deen-wise. Sometimes I ask myself “it’s now you want to do this? How dare you value your relationship with Allah now after putting him at the bottom of the list all these years?” And sometimes the guilt could eat one up, literally. Because now you’re conscious of how much darkness you had been in. But what’s scarier is the fact that you didn’t know. To know that you’re sinning and feel the guilt is an underrated blessing. But what is terrifying is not seeing the wrong in your actions and thinking your way of doing things is perfectly fine. This makes me think of this beautiful du’a “O Allah! Show us the truth as true, and inspire us to follow it. Show us the falsehood as falsehood, and inspire us to abstain from it.“

“SubhanAllah! Religion has been beautified to guide us to the path of righteousness and protect us from the path of evil.

But sometimes we find ourselves feeling restricted from what Allah tries to protect us from. We kind of wish we could do this and that if it was allowed but the truth is that if there was good in it, Allah the Most Merciful wouldn't stop you from doing it.

Allah loves us and wants the best for us. He is the All-Knowledgeable. He knows the past and future, and every single possible outcome of every scenario. Man has not a fragment of that knowledge. We need to trust Allah. We need to completely believe that He wants the best for us and try our best to follow Him.”

Something else that I frequently think of is “sometimes we won’t have alternatives as Muslims and that’s okay.” There are so many bad habits that we want to leave off. And it might be easier to leave it if you feel there’s an alternative. This alternative (not always) could equally lead you to your downfall unknowingly. It is so hard, it’s a struggle, it’s an actual war with yourself but you have to let yourself feel grounded in knowing that there are things you just have to stop because Allah has said so. And that should be more than enough. Of course there are alternatives sometimes, and it’s human to seek that first, but as my good sis said:

“sigh. you can’t be a mediocre person. you want the highest ranks of jannah? strive. you can’t always attribute things to “being human”.

-From the journal of AR”

Because yes, we’re human. You can decide to leave something but not take any step because you think you can’t sustain it in the long run. What I ask myself in those situations is “what makes you think you’re gonna see the next minute? you’re so bothered about being consistent, bold of you to assume you’ll live to see that future.” 10 out of 10 times that puts things into perspective for me. Yes, I don’t know if I can continue doing this. I don’t know if I will slip but one thing I won’t do is not try. Because for every good that I have done, was it by my ability? Or through the guidance of Allah? Yeah that’s what I thought.

“How long must our potential stare at us until we decide to embark on a journey towards reaching it? Or even surpassing it?“

And back to the initial point, difficult and uncomfortable conversations don’t seem as terrifying anymore. I have learnt to sit with it, to center my speech in Al-Hakeem, to hope that the message is understood and perceived the right way. Difficult decisions have also become relatively easier to make because I have learned to centre myself in Allah’s ability to guide me. This is why my favorite part of istikharah has become “For You are fully able whilst I am not, You know everything whilst I do not know anything, and You are the Knower of the unseen.”

Not my brain going “they’ve peeked into your mind enough for the next few months. round it up sis.”

On a related but unrelated note, I don’t mean this in a cocky way but I’m very happy about the fact that Allah chose me for me. When we think of life partners we often think of the other person, but in reality the first human you’re spending your life with is yourself. You’ve watched yourself grow and move from one season to the other. No matter how much you explain any bits and pieces of your life, you’re the only one that truly knows how any of that felt or impacted you. So, this is me telling you to accept yourself as your person. That Allah created this soul of yours, this soul that struggles on a daily basis, and placed it in the body you have. This body is a vessel for your soul, so on regular intervals you need to ask yourself “how am I caring for this soul and vessel of mine created by my Loving Creator? what will I tell Allah about how I treated myself? Did I do the best with the resources I have? Did I focus too much on what I lack or did I move with the ebbs and flows of life knowing wherever He placed me is best for me? If the parts of my body were to testify for me at this moment, what would they say?” And through that intention anything you do for your body and soul can be an act of ibadah. Beautiful.

A tweet that also lives in my head is “true authenticity lies in Iman, all the greats know God.” Over the years I’ve come to accept that Allah created me weak and any strength I have comes from Him. This now shows in my relationship with Allah, with myself, and now to others. I’ve come to love what vulnerability is. What sharing myself looks like, my thoughts, my feelings, accepting my limitations, honoring my strengths but most importantly accepting what works for me, especially by weighing it in terms of what Allah wants. Something that also lives in my head rent free is when one of the sahaba died and someone mentioned how he wasn’t the strongest physically, but he was the strongest in terms of his morals and convictions, that is something I aim for.

“You see, to have a legacy is a lofty aim – but that is not what I truly yearn for.

What I want even more than that, is to know that I used the small portion of life gifted to me, to establish a relationship with my creator. What I want more than that, is to be familiar with my Lord when I finally meet Him. What I want more than that, is to be the owner of a voice that was not strange to Him, nor to own a heart that was heedless of Him.

And so, when I am inevitably buried, the world may not grieve. But, perhaps the earth and the sky will know – That a voice that oft-repeated Ya Rabb, has today been quietened.”

More gems ofc:

“A season is a season. embrace it as it is and welcome it - all of it, including the ebbs and flows.”

“Find comfort in knowing that Allah is is managing your affairs right now. And whatever Allah & has planned for you will always be what's best for you and will bring you so much happiness In sha Allah.”

“To soothe these growing pains, let us pick up the speech of Allah and make du’a it becomes the lights of our hearts- for where there is stillness, there is strength, allowing us to overcome every discomfort this dunya may bring.“

Wheww and my favorite atm: “You don’t love someone just by yourself. You love them because Allah has put love in your heart for them.“

Set lofty goals and leave the outcomes with Allah. Keep it in mind that all you can control is your efforts, while knowing that those efforts are only by Allah’s will. Pray for the impossible because “nothing is easy if you seek it through yourself & nothing is difficult if you seek it through Allah.”

May Allah accept our ibadah, the efforts we put in and reward the struggles we face.

Assalamu alaikum warahmatullah wabarakatuh.